Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
You Might Also Like
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”