What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
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[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol