it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
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IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.