There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
How does someone manage that 🤨
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*