If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
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My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.