I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.