I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
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[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
As the Lord intended
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day