It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.