I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
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Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
dutch so unserious
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms