A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
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I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
adding to the discourse
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Friends that check up on you >
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.