Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
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Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
This is my emotional support knife.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.