You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
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I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
School be like
Spotted in New Orleans.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.