You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
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[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]