You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
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“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
see you in hell you stupid fruit
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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought