You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
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You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Golf would be better with landmines.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Heroic Misunderstanding
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
what’s the point then??
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
That was easy.