How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
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my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
“no gods no masters” = leo
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
knights of the ikea table
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
found this cool rock hiking today
*exercises sarcastically*
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?