drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
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Golf would be better with landmines.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.