Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
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I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Become ungovernable.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?