Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
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You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I get distracted pretty eas
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!