Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
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If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
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I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:![]()
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them