Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

What?

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.