Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
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Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Have kids, they said
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE