Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
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If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
“sorry it’s permanent”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
SUN: please dont
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
medusa: look into my gaze
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?