Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
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[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
definitely did not do anything wrong
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything