*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Peter Parker Peter Driver
![]()
![]()
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
![]()
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…