*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
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Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I’m too immature for adultery.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?