Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
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I am having an out of money experience.
Feels like the fourth month in January
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”