Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
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Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.