A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
You Might Also Like
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
WHO DID THIS?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.