haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
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There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Okey dokey.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily