We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
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My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot