Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*