Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
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If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
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This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
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Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
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On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!