Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Imagine having a party on purpose.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
“I’m helping” 😅
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda