I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
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I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers