I think the cat got the dog high.
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Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot