Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
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There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My sex drive has a dui
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.