My sex drive has a dui
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The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this