I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
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Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.