if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
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lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho