First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
At least he brought enough for everyone
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.