My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
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7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
When you’ve simply given up.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
It do be feeling this way.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!