Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
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Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
getting groceries
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops