super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.