Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
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If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.