Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
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I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park