My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
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just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
IT’S-A ME,
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.