@MadHatterMommy

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

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@UNDEADTRESOR

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

@hansabumsadaisy

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

@flashember

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

@ThRealBallsDeep

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

@blood_orphan

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

@Stellacopter

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

@KielyHealey

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

@Reverend_Scott

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

@Social_Mime

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

@rad_milk

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back