Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
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“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
finally
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”