Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
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*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero