The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
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Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
How about daylight saves us for once
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise