If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
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Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids