Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
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“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Check out the legs on this baby
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”