I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
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As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
This made me chuckle.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what