*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
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INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.