GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
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No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
How funny!
The honesty is refreshing
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
the council will decide your fate
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.