If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
May have had one breakfast too many
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
😩😩😩
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Yeah. This was me today.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession