If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
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canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲