liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
honestly, i need both:
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN