My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
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“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.